#163 Is Your Tone Influential?

// A few episodes ago, we talked about why it’s important to simplify your communication so that people who don’t share your expertise can still care about what you have to say. In last week’s episode, I spoke with marketing consultant Wes Gay about practical steps that subject matter experts can take to cut the jargon and speak clearly so people will listen and be moved to action.

Since we’ve discussed how to share a clear message, it’s time to take a deeper dive into the importance of striking the right tone in order to connect with your audience and be heard.  I discuss some mistakes experts can inadvertently make which can sabotage their message by making their listeners feel disrespected. Join us as we wrap up this series so that your voice can be clear and persuasive!

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Transcript

Hey there!  It’s Andrea Wenburg from the Voice of Influence podcast, where we help leaders with experience and expertise, people like you, develop your voice, clarify your mission, and build into your team.  Because a Voice of Influence is someone who knows who they are, they have a mission, and they can get people on board with that mission.  So, put simply, you’ve worked your whole life to be great at what you do, so we want to help you get buy-in on your message as a leader or a thought leader.  It’s good to be back with you.

So, a couple of episodes ago, we talked about why it’s important to simplify your expertise so that people who don’t share your knowledge of the subject can care about what you have to say.  And then last week, I interviewed marketing consultant and message clarifier Wes Gay about practical steps that subject matter experts can take to cut the jargon and speak clearly so that people will listen.

Right now, I’m going to share with you some mistakes that experts make that make other people feel dumb, which really ends up sabotaging their message.  So, in Episode 157, I told a little story about our daughter, something that our daughter – as a three-year-old – taught me about de-escalating moments of high tension and the power of seeing beneath the anger to find out what’s sad underneath there.

And today, when I was thinking about this topic again, I realized that now, ten years later – as a thirteen-year-old – she has a lot to say about this topic as well.  It’s something that comes up frequently, we’ll just put that.  She hates it when it feels like people are talking down to her.  Those middle school years are interesting.

You know, when I was doing my music education degree, I was totally fascinated by how kids this age really… they’re not children anymore, but they’re not adults either and so it’s hard to know how to talk to them.  It’s a similar kind of issue that we have when we have expertise.  We’re trying to talk to somebody who may not know our expertise, but they’re definitely not stupid either.  They just don’t know this particular piece of what we do.  And so, I asked her “Amelia, why does this drive you so crazy?”  Because it really, really bothers her, and she said, “It feels like they don’t know who I am.”  And that really made me think, “Why is it that we feel like that?”

I mean, if somebody talks down to you, they don’t, at least, demonstrate some kind of real respect for you because they’re assuming that you don’t know as much as them.  They’re assuming that they’re the ones that are right in the situation.  They’re assuming that you don’t have anything of value to contribute to this conversation, and instead, you’re here to tell them what to do.  And you know, that is really what a lot of people… and I certainly did this – though my daughter and my son certainly did not appreciate it and push back on this a little bit with me in parenting – but that sort of talking down to somebody and saying, “This is how it is.  We’re gonna go on with life.  You don’t have a voice in this situation.”  And there are times when that’s certainly necessary.

One of the things that I’ve been just ruminating in, just thinking about so much is what we take responsibility for and how some people hold on to responsibility longer than they need to.  So, for example, when a kid is a baby, you obviously, as a parent, would have to take a lot of responsibility for them.  You’re taking responsibility for their eating, for their being clean, for helping them to go to sleep, for calming them down when they’re upset about something.  But at the same time, you don’t have full control over that little human being because they still are able to scream even if you don’t want them to scream.  That, I found out when I became a parent.  And they wake up when you don’t want them to wake up, you know, things like this.

But when they’re a toddler, let’s say they’re running out into the street, and as they’re running out into the street, you’re thinking, “Whoa, wait a second.  This is not a moment where I’m gonna sit there and ask the kid what they want.  I’m gonna grab that child and save them from getting hit in the street.”  And there are times when we just need to insist that somebody in a situation, that situation that we see grave danger where we pull them out.  And as kids grow up, we take less responsibility, and they get more responsibility for their lives.  And hopefully, they take more responsibility.  Hopefully, we give up more responsibility.

As we’re looking at expertise and communicating expertise and helping a person to be able to understand what we’re talking about without talking down to them, that is incredibly, incredibly important is that they don’t feel stupid while we’re talking to them.  I mean, if I were sitting here talking to you, going, “Now, I know that you don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’m gonna be all high and mighty.”  I’m having a hard time even conjuring that up right now because I know that that’s not who you are.  You’re somebody who you’re very thoughtful.  You do have expertise.  You’re thinking hard about stuff, and so even if you don’t know so much about influence, you know a lot about your thing.

And I sincerely want you and your thing to get out into the world.  I want people to be able to, I guess, take part in or enjoy and benefit from your expertise, your experience.  So that’s the reason why I contribute what I can with influence to hopefully help you develop that “voice of influence” so that you can get that out there.  But I’m not here to tell you what to do.  Instead, I’m here to kind of, hopefully, open your eyes or shine a light on, maybe would be a better way to put it… to shine a light on different things that I think are really important when we’re thinking about influence.

And so when you’re thinking about influence, then you look at what I’m talking about and you get to say, “Okay, so this is how I would apply that to me or how I won’t apply that to me.”  But that’s up to you.  So, I asked my daughter, “So, you feel like they don’t know who you are?  That’s an interesting statement.”  And as we talked through it, I realized that what she was really saying was, “Yeah, if they talk to me like that, then don’t know who I am.”  And then she doesn’t have any desire to listen to what they have to say.  They sort of lose the ability to have an influence on my daughter because of the way that they’re talking to her.

And I mean, I get that.  That certainly has happened with me.  Has it happened with you?  Have you been in a situation where someone has insisted that they know what they’re talking about and they don’t even allow you to ask questions, or they act like your questions are stupid, or they just look at you with that despising kind of look or that “I know what I’m talking about and you don’t” kind of look.

I think there’s a lot of reasons why we do that.  It can be something that is personal.  Gosh, when I do this, I can feel it and I hate it.   But I can feel it, and I can tell you why I do it sometimes, why I show up with a less than normal voice.  And actually, that’s what Amelia told me.   I said, “Well, what would advice would you have for the person who might be, you know, talking down to somebody like that?  And she said, “Just talk with a normal voice.”

So, parents, you know, we like to put on the “parenting voice” or teachers put on the “teacher voice”, pastors put on the “pastor voice”.  It’s easy to put on a different kind of voice.  And in some ways, that’s necessary, depending on the context.  But the real thing that we should be doing is just kind of using our own voice, talk to the person.  It’s a really hard thing to do, but it seems like it’s worth the effort.

So, anyway, why do I sometimes show up with a voice that’s not just normal?  Sometimes, it’s just because I’m not prepared because I don’t know what I’m going to say.  And so I end up trying to conjure something up, or I’ve only written it out and so I’m reading a script, or you know, something like that, where it feels less natural.

And that happens, and you know what?  Sometimes I still put stuff out there, even though it wasn’t in the most normal voices, simply because we can’t be perfect all the time, can we?  But some of the other reasons why I’ve noticed that I don’t talk in my normal voice is it can be because I feel inadequate.  And really, I think that’s probably one that is more common than anything else is just that feeling of, “Whoever I’m talking to right now, they need to know that I am serious.  They need to know that I know what I’m talking about.”

And so, we come into the room and we show up with not just confidence and openness and being ready to talk to people in a normal voice, but in that, “I’ve got something to prove.  I’m here to win.  I cannot feel vulnerable right now, so I’m gonna talk in a way that is…”  I don’t know, makes people feel stupid.  And nobody likes that, and then we wonder why our message isn’t resonating.  We wonder why kids are acting like babies or like toddlers when they’re actually junior highers.  We’re talking to them as though they’re stupid.

This can happen in any age.  Talking to them in an age-appropriate tone is super important.  Same thing with anybody that would have any desire to listen to what you have to say.  The tone that you use is… I don’t know, I don’t ‘know how to describe it other than there’s nothing more important than your tone.  Probably your words are important too, but tone is super important.

So you know, as a vocalist, as somebody who sings… and I actually sang a song on one of my previous episodes here, just like a couple of episodes ago.  And one of the things that I struggle with as a vocalist is my tone, is trying to figure out what sound I’m trying to create that conveys the message.  And it really kind of depends on the type of song.  It depends on how high the song goes or how low the song goes – in other words, if it fits in my own register, in my most natural-sounding voice.  It depends on whether or not I’ve practiced and my voice is all warmed up, if I know the music, that sort of thing.  And I’ve been doing a little more recording.

I got this new microphone because it was time for a new microphone for my podcast.  And with that microphone, I thought, “You know what, I should start recording some more.”  And one day, I spent a couple of hours, actually, after I was recording podcasts to just practice singing along with some karaoke music, throwing it on my little program, and seeing if I could come up with a recording.  And I felt really good about it.  I redid stuff over and over again, and all that kind of stuff, and then I got done and I listened to it.  And I thought, “Oh no, this is nothing like I really wanted it to be.”  And this happens a lot, where I’ll record something and then I’ll be like, “Wait a second.  That did not sound quite right.”

Then I have to practice it a little bit more, and today, I did this again.  I’m making a weird sound when I hit a certain range, and I didn’t like the sound.  It didn’t sound good.  It felt fun to sing loud and powerfully, but it doesn’t sound good.  And so, I had to take a step back and think “Okay, now wait a second.  If I do this for other people, if this recording is for other people, then I have to think about them and their own ears.  Just because it’s fun for me to sing it like that and that’s my voice doesn’t mean that it’s gonna be something that anybody else wants to listen to.”

So, as I listened to the sound of that and realized it wasn’t right, I thought, “I’m gonna have to pull back.  I have to pull back on the power of that because my vowels are coming out funny, and it’s just doesn’t sound right.”  And so I need to pull back on the power so it sounds more like my natural voice, and it’s easier for people to listen to.  And so I recorded it again, and it’s much better.

So, I think that this is all really important for how we address people with our expertise.  When we come to them and we’re kind of harsh, we’re kind of on a high horse, I guess, elevating ourselves, making fun of them in our minds, thinking that they’re stupid in our minds, and then we end up laughing at them as we’re talking.  People laugh all the time, very awkwardly.  I do that sometimes too.

If you went back and you listen to some of our episodes, you would hear me laughing awkwardly at times.  That laugh was obviously about me.  But it’s not the greatest thing to do.  It’s actually really, really not great to laugh because it’s kind of mocking.  It makes people feel like you think that they’re stupid, and then they’re not going to pay attention.  Any politicians, any pastors, any teachers, any parents who want to have influence, we need to really consider what our tone is making other people think about themselves.  Do they feel stupid when they’re talking to you, when you’re talking to them?  Do they feel like you’re looking down on them?  Do you care?  I’m guessing you care.

Pull back, listen to it again, listen to the sound of it in your head.  Just because it sounds good to you on the front end, just because it seems like it would feel good to say it like the way that you want to say it…  You know, I guess the thought that comes to mind is that junior highers aren’t babies anymore.  You don’t talk down to them like they’re babies.  You don’t talk to them with a, you know, high-pitched voice as though they’re a little kid.  Regular people don’t want to be pandered to.  Regular people want to be seen for who they are.  They want you to respect them for who they are.  And they want you to talk to them in a normal voice.  They want you to present your ideas in a way that’s clear.  They want you to have respect for them so that they can actually take a step back and listen, think about what you have to say, and make a decision for themselves.

So, I’m glad to have had this time with you today.  Thank you for listening to the Voice of Influence podcast.  We do have the Deep Impact Method, which is a course.  It’s a free course.  It’s less than thirty minutes long.  And in it, I do my best to layout the Deep Impact Method of how to think about how other people are receiving you and the way that you’re talking to them.  If you have time for this episode, you have time for that course, and I highly recommend that you take it.  I highly recommend it, and hope that you would even share it with others.

Thank you so much for considering your own voice, your own tone, and how it could play a part in whether or not you actually have influence with people.

Your voice matters.  Let’s make it matter more!