#164 Building Relationships While Maintaining Productivity at Work
// Our next series on the podcast is about friendship at work and Rosanne and I thought a perfect way to kick things off would be to talk about our friendship and how it aligns with our working relationship.
In this episode, Rosanne and I share the concerns she had when I first approached her a few years ago about working together, the lessons I had to learn in the beginning when it came to accepting Rosanne’s ideas and input without taking it personally, why ego needs to be removed from the equation, the importance of understanding the pushback from the other person often means they feel their voice isn’t being respected, what fostering friendships at work can look like for both introverts and extroverts, how to know if your team is becoming too isolated if they’re working from home and/or socially distancing themselves from each other, and more.
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Transcript
Hey there! It’s Andrea, and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast. We’re talking today and the next couple of weeks about friendship; in particular, friendship at work. Next week, I interview Shasta Nelson about her recent release, her book about Friendships at Work, and it is a really fun conversation. So, I’m really excited to share that with you.
Andrea: And today, Rosanne and I wanted to set it up a little bit by talking a little bit about our relationship, and our friendship at work, and how we do that with Voice of Influence.
Rosanne Moore: Yeah, it’s interesting that we’re hitting this topic because you and I began as friends. And when you approached me several years ago to edit your book, I was a little concerned about working together because I didn’t want it to ruin the friendship. And yet, what’s ended up happening is it’s just made our friendship stronger, working together. And it’s also made the work experience better because we have an appreciation for one another’s gifts and it’s just been a really good thing. But yeah, when we started, I was nervous about that.
Andrea: Huh! What do you think you were most nervous about, actually?
Rosanne Moore: I guess, like, there’s always the concern when money is involved…
Andrea: Yeah.
Rosanne Moore: And if there was a difference in vision for the project or things like that, I wanted to be sure I could be your cheerleader. You know, if you’re working, especially as an editor, you’re having to be honest and make critiques. I know Donald Miller has said, “Never have anybody who loves you give you reviews of your work.” But for us, I wanted to be sure that I could be honest with you, but I also wanted to be your cheerleader. And so, I was concerned about that at the beginning.
Andrea: That’s a delicate balance.
Rosanne Moore: Yes.
Andrea: The difference between, you know, really helping somebody improve and being their cheerleader. And I think that’s one of the things that I had to realize right away, was that I couldn’t expect you to just coddle me, maybe. The only reason it would make sense for me to hire somebody as good as you are at editing, especially as a friend… the only way it would make sense is if I really wanted it to be better.
Rosanne Moore: Right, right.
Andrea: And I really believe that you could help me make it better. And you and the other people that are involved with Voice of Influence, you make this better. And I know that, and so I have to put myself in a position where I’m willing to accept what you have to offer instead of trying to guard myself against your ideas, your thoughts. I mean, we were up pretty late last night trying to work on a client project, and part of that was just and editing and going back and forth. We use Voxer for that. Voxer is kind of like a walkie talkie kind of thing. It’s an app for your phone, but anyway, we love Voxer.
So, we were going back and forth, and I’m like, “Wait a second, I don’t understand why we would…” And it wasn’t so much that I thought you were wrong. It was I need to buy-in to this change that we’re making. I need to understand why it matters, and I trust you that you know what you’re talking about. And sometimes I just need to go with it, and I don’t need all the explanation of why. But then there are times when I do need an explanation because I’m feeling resistant.
And so, I need to ask a little bit more and say, “Well, why exactly is that? I don’t understand.” And it’s not that I’m trying to question you or your abilities. It’s that I need to understand. And I think when we both are able to go back and forth like that, we’re just trying to understand one another and then solve a problem together. It’s not about your ego and it’s not about my ego, it’s not about anybody or a client’s ego. It’s just about, you know, coming to the best conclusion, the best product that we can come up with.
Rosanne Moore: Yes. And I think one of the things last night that I was thinking about was we’ve talked before about how when you’re wanting to speak with a Voice of Influence to somebody that if they push back sometimes, it’s because they don’t feel like what they have to offer is being respected. And you and I both… of all the things that tend to happen, like if we push back, usually that’s where it’s like, “No, I want you to hear what I’m saying.”
And so, knowing that about both of us, last night I was thinking about it and thinking, “It really does make a difference to have a friend that you trust that you already know they respect you.” That’s not up for grabs. And so, I think working with somebody that you know they respect your perspective, it just helps tremendously in being able to problem-solve because you feel like they already have your back. That’s not the issue.
Andrea: Yeah, it takes away that feeling of like, “I’m being threatened all the time.” Like, “I’ve got to be right.” “I’ve got to be perfect.” “I have to prove that I’m good enough for doing this job,” whatever it might be. And if you’re not worried about that all the time… I mean, this is something that we talk about in the trainings all the time too. Like, if you’re not worried about that, you can actually get to problem-solving.
Rosanne Moore: Right.
Andrea: You’re not complaining. You’re not wasting your time and energy on trying to make yourself feel better or trying to get other people to make you feel better. Instead, you’re saying, “No, I’m okay, I’m okay. We have a good, like, connection. We have a good relationship. This is not about that. It’s not about an attack on my own voice or my abilities – it’s just an attempt to get to the solution.” And if we have that ultimate goal in mind – it’s so far beyond either you or I or anybody else on our team – that puts us in a position where our focus is above any one of us. And we don’t have to feel so threatened all the time by each other. You know, that’s just not a way to go through work and feel good about your life, and good about who you are, and good about your relationships at work.
Rosanne Moore: Right. And it also helps you become better because different perspectives do… like, we grow, right? We grow by gaining vision from other people, understanding perspectives that maybe would not have been ours based on our experience. And so, that’s an important part of growth. And if we don’t feel safe enough to listen, then we miss that. And so, having diverse perspectives – in whatever way that means – is really important, I think. But to be able to actually voice that, there has to be trust.
Andrea: Right. And trust is built. It’s not something that’s just there.
Rosanne Moore: Right, right.
Andrea: That’s one of the things about doing this at work, you know. You’re automatically putting yourself in a position where you’re going to get feedback because you are trying to get to a common goal. You’re working together to get better. And if feedback is something that’s really hard for you to stomach, then it’s time to take a step back and really think about why and is that the way that you want to go through your life, just being afraid of people’s feedback all the time? Because really, feedback is what helps you to grow. It helps you to get better.
Again, you don’t have to feel threatened by feedback. Instead, it’s empowering. It should be looked at as empowering instead of threatening, but that also has to do with how the other person is offering that feedback.
Rosanne Moore: Sure, yeah. So, Andrea, how much do you think people need to invest in relationships at work? For our listener, what do you think that looks like when it comes to work?
Andrea: I think that it really depends on the person because each of us have sort of a different need for connecting, and feeling connected, and how we want to connect. Some people who are more extroverted – they’re born connectors – if they are not connected at work and in multiple facets, then they’re going to not enjoy work. It’s going to be draining. It’s going to feel like they’re going to have this need to try to connect all the time, and it’s going to drain them and their performance. But if they do feel connected, you know, on multiple levels, then that can actually turn them into like a “super performer”.
I mean, when you see an extrovert that is feeling charged up, you know they can get a lot done in a little bit of time. So, take advantage of it and allow them to connect so that they can actually have that, get to that point for themselves. But then for an introvert or somebody who just really would prefer to have just very, very few connections in their lives that are really deeply meaningful… Like, they might be very kind and generous with others, but they want to have just a few close relationships; that’s okay, too. So, it’s just a kind of a matter of, all right, then maybe that person needs to spend a little extra time one-on-one with somebody instead of at group events or on group Zooms, or whatever it might be. Instead, they’re investing more in two or three people instead of just instead of, you know, everybody. And that’s okay.
Rosanne Moore: And one thing you and I have talked about – and you pointed out – sometimes that’s a seasonal thing. It’s not just a personality thing, but it’s what stage of life you’re in and the other demands. I know with my children, as they get older – I have teenagers now – they are constantly wanting to engage in conversations where they’re trying to figure out how life works. And if I’m going to be available to them, that means I’m not as available in other relationships as I sometimes have been in the past. So, I’m trying to tend to the relationships I have instead of creating new ones.
So, I think what season the person is in… whereas somebody who maybe is in their twenties, and they’re single and they’re living on their own for the first time or whatever, they may be really looking for connection. So, it can be different.
Andrea: Absolutely. Yeah.
Rosanne Moore: I was just thinking, one of the challenges of the season that we’re in with more people working from home because of the pandemic, and just isolation in general because of we’re supposed to be physically distancing, and that easily becomes more distant socially as well, how do you know if you and your team are beginning to get too isolated?
Andrea: So, yeah, this is definitely something that people are experiencing right now. And we’re getting calls about it, and people asking, you know, “Can you do a customer service training for our team? Because they’re having a harder time understanding how to work from home and stay connected with each other. The communication is dropping off. The tension is running a little higher than usual. The way that they’re responding to one another in emails is a little more harsh instead of forgiving, maybe, or gracious.” And so, I think those are all signs of tension.
So, when you’re noticing a lot of tension, this is something that we can notice in our own bodies. It’s something that we notice in relationships when we’re feeling resistance or tension – either one of those things, I think, are kind of very similar to each other. And we’re feeling that tension, then we know that there’s something else going on. It’s not just about this moment in this particular issue that we’re dealing with, this problem that we’re trying to solve, but there’s more going on than that. We’re feeling disconnected.
And that is not something that people really realize they’re feeling a lot of times until later, until they feel connected again. They’re like, “Wow, I feel so much better now that we’ve talked.” And it didn’t even take that much. It might not have even been about, you know, “We need to have a conversation about how we work together, blah, blah, blah.” It might not even be that. It might simply be, “How are you doing?” “What’s going on?” You know, even asking, “How are things at home?” “How’s your family?” Those kinds of questions that tap into the rest of everybody’s life because our work life is like this, and then we’ve got everything else going on. So, if there’s something back here that’s going on, that can sort of cause tension inside of a person, which then translates into their relationships at work and the way that they’re talking to people at work, too.
So, I mean, that’s something that we talk about when we’re doing trainings. Like, how do we how do we know what the actual issue is? And how do we give each other the benefit of the doubt that maybe this isn’t about me. Maybe this is about something completely different. And instead of worrying about how you’re thinking about me, what you’re feeling about me, whether or not you value me, instead maybe I just need to check on you and just say, “How are you doing?” and give that opportunity for that connection. And then you’ll be surprised how many times it really did have nothing to do with you. Like, it just came out because you were the one that was there with the problem.
Rosanne Moore: Right, right. You know, I was thinking about the conference where you and I first met and that particular teacher, the way that the conferences that he does are set up are really rich in conversation. So, there’s a lot of connection that happens, a lot of looking beneath the surface. And every time I’ve attended one of those, several things have happened. One, I eat less because I feel full relationally. I have more energy. I come away from it feeling very refreshed and just, like, ready to take on life. In fact, there have been times when I’ve been stressed, [and] my kids have said, “Can you do one of those conferences again?” because they can see the difference.
But really, what it’s about is having that sense of connection that gets fed. And so, if you can get that… you don’t always have to go away for a week of training on something. If you can make sure that you’re having those kinds of connections with people around you so that they don’t feel like they’re just carrying everything by themselves all the time, it’s going to help, I think, all aspects of your business and your team.
Andrea: Yeah, I mean, we talk about customer touch points all the time, and how are we going to reach them in that moment, and give them a good experience in that moment. We need to remember that we have touch points with the other people that we serve, which are our teammates or other, you know, colleagues in another team. Like, we are constantly here for one another. And if we’re not, then we’re here for ourselves. We’re here to just get the job done, that sort of thing. But we shouldn’t just be looking at customer experience. We should be also looking at the experience that we’re giving to others that we’re serving, that we’re supporting, that we’re perhaps leading, that those moments matter.
It doesn’t always have to be, you know, buffered and eloquent, kinds of like, “Oh, I’m so glad that you’re here today,” you know, that sort of thing. It doesn’t have to be that. You can also just build the buffer, you know. Like, we’ve built the trust over time to help you to see that I – and for us to both know – that we don’t have to be threatened. That we are here for each other, and we are with each other, and we’re accomplishing this goal together.
And because we know that, we can let little things slide. “Oh, I feel so frustrated in this moment,” but when I feel frustrated, I can tell myself, “This is not Rosanne that I’m frustrated at. I’m just feeling the feeling of frustration.” It’s not directed at her. It’s just that feeling of frustration. So, we just need to keep working through it. And so, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt when I do that, and you as well, and any of us.
And so, I think, kind of in conclusion of everything that we’re trying to get across today, that it is super important for us to simply work on this relational component of work and connection. And once you start to feel that tension, when you start to feel that isolation, you don’t want to wait too long before you do something about it because then it’s going to require something much bigger than, you know, maybe a little training that Voice of Influence comes in and does with your team.
So, get on top of it, and actually, that is something that we can help with. So, let us know if you would like to talk about that.
Rosanne Moore: Sure. There are various things we have to offer; the Deep Impact Method for those who are trying to give feedback in ways that are affirming and problem-solving instead of frustrating.
Andrea: And that’s a free course on our website.
Rosanne Moore: Yes, that’s a free course, and there are other things that we offer as well. Andrea can work more directly through coaching and working with teams to help build an environment of collaboration and positivity for a team.
Andrea: Yes. And our team keeps expanding. So, I’m super excited that we are expanding and continuing to grow. And as we continue to grow, that’s going to be top of our priority list – how do we maintain a culture of friendship and caring for one another while at the same time getting more done. So, it’s going to be a good adventure here in the coming months and years ahead.
So, all right, it was great to have you here with us on the Voice of Influence podcast. We would love to hear from you. You can go to voiceofinfluence.net and find all the information that Rosanne talked about. And you can contact us there on our contact button. We’d love to hear from you.
All right, your voice matters, and you can make it matter more! We’ll see you soon!