VS01: 1 Question that Honors the Inner Experience of the Other Person
This Voice Studio episode is the first “after the interview” kind of episode from the Voice of Influence podcast. In episode 01, we heard some great insights from psychologist and speaker, Espen Klausen, Ph.D. that are sure to help us connect with other people and guide them to lightbulb moments of experiential learning. In the Voice Studio today, Andrea Joy Wenburg offers one question that will help you honor the inner experience of another person.
When we honor the inner experience of the other person, we suspend our own desire to make that person happy or change their mind about something so we can truly understand them and connect with their inner experience. And connecting makes us more attuned to what next step that person is truly ready to take so we can speak to where they are, rather than expecting them to meet us where we are.
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Transcript
Hey, hey! It’s Andrea Wenburg, and today is our very first after episode. So just had an episode with Espen Klausen in Episode #1 and that was the very first interview that I published for the Voice of Influence podcast. I wanted to let you know that after each interview episode which each of them will be numbered; there will be a short segment like today where I’m inviting you into my Voice Studio.
What I mean by that is if you listen to Episode 00 that was me just sort of explaining a little bit of the concepts that I’m working with here, which is when we develop our voice of influence, it’s a lot like developing a singing voice. And I’m making that connection because that is something that I have experience with that’s something that was my education and a lot of my experience growing up was in developing a singing voice and understanding what that meant and sort of earning a place on the stage if you will.
Well, I want to offer you opportunity to develop your voice of influence like somebody who would develop their singing voice. I’m kind of playing with that a little bit and we’re going to call this my Voice Studio, so welcome to the very first Voice Studio episode. Now Espen talked a lot of really powerful stuff, lots of great thoughts and concepts. I think that everybody could really rustle with and integrate into the way that you use your voice with other people. But what I wanted to talk about today is one specifically and that one specific thing is the idea that the other person in conversation with you is they have their own experience on the inside that you don’t understand that you don’t that we don’t see.
And if you honor the fact that they’re experiencing something on the inside that you don’t see on the outside that looks a lot like being curious and listening. And it’s in honoring that experience on the inside when we really begin to earn a right and earn a voice with the other person. So if I feel like you listen to me and you really know me that you really actually curious about what I’m experiencing, my thoughts, my feelings, and that sort of thing without judging them immediately. No, don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place for offering additional advice or instruction or perhaps guiding somebody in a different direction.
But if you can listen to me first, if you can know and understand where I’m at first, a nice big broad context of who I am before you try to share your insight with me then that makes me more open because all of a sudden you have connected with me in a deeper way. If I believe that you really care, that you really do want to know and you’re not just giving me your own ideas and telling me what I should do, what I should think and that sort of thing. If you’re really honoring my inner experience then I’m going to open myself up to other things that you might share with me.
I think that when you do that and certainly experienced this myself on both sides of it and both the receiving and the giving side of a conversation where when someone really truly feels their experience of you is that you really do care about them on the inside, not just what they’re doing or saying in the outside but you’re willing to dig a little bit and invite that inside to come out. When you are willing to do then the other person is so much more open to what you might suggest.
So I want to encourage you in this voice studio moment to really hold on to this idea. And the next time, here’s the very practical step that I want you to take if you’re willing, the next time that you’re in a conversation with somebody and maybe they’re struggling a little bit, they’re frustrated, or you know there’s some sort of issue rather than just encouraging whatever emotion is coming out of them in a moment and rather than saying or giving them some redirection or advice, ask a couple of questions that invites the person to share more deeply like “Wow, where does that emotion come from?” Or maybe it’s sadness “Wow, where is the sadness coming from? Where is this anger coming from?”
And just that question alone, if you ask it in a way where you’re truly curious and you’re not judging them like “Where is that come from?” You know what I mean. If you were truly curious, you’re simply asking “Where is that coming from?” That is a question that you can use to truly invite somebody to share more deeply with you. And when you do that like I said, just give them that time and space to be able to share what they want to share. I think that you’re going to find that they’re going to be open to how you might speak to them in the midst of their pain, in the midst of their struggle or their frustration in a different way than if you would have just sort of taken them a face value and given them some sort of advice right away.
Well, thank you for joining me in this voice studio moment. The next episode #2 will actually be an interview again and then we’ll do another one of this voice studio moment. So thank you for joining me and as always, you can find me at voiceofinfluence.net. But for now, just take this little tool, this little question that you can ask somebody, “Where does that emotion come from?” And make your voice matter more!
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